Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
