Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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