Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
