you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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