a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
