I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
