Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
