One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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