ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
