I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
