Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
