it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
