No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
