How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
