I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
