Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I didn't shave. On purpose
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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