well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
