i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
