how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
