Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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