if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
