Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
