Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm always down for nudity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
