Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
