I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
