Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
