Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
