We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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