mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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