Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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