Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
