She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
