I think my vagina is haunted
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
