Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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