Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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