I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i already hear my dad disowning me
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
