Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
