Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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