he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's rum buckets o'clock
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
