Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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