some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
