either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
