It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
