I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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