I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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