She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
