accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
