I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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