Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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