He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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